Saturday, June 12, 2010

Things I Need, In Addition To Laser Hair Removal.

Surely, slowly, and then quickly, my money’s flowing into a big watery hole known as Lake Wylie.

When I bought my little Sea-Ray, my trusty salesman (and I say that without a trace of facetiousness), Matt, told me I wouldn’t need a thing. He gave me a complete boater’s package, including four lifejackets, 100 feet of line, an anchor, a fire extinguisher (I know, right?) and a full tank of gas. With all that – not to mention the boat -- Matt was sure I wouldn’t need a thing.

Huh. Is it possible that Matt's never met me?

In two short weeks of boat ownership, the kids and I have already identified a myriad of necessities, including:

•  Skis, wakeboards, inner tubes
•  A tow line, for all those skis, wakeboards and inner tubes
•  A dry box, for stashing that impressive boat registration -- and those water-sensitive cell phones.)
•  A new cooler, on wheels
•  Coozies, preferably embellished with “Feminine Wiles," and "Accepting Donations"
•  An unsinkable, "unlosable" bottle opener
•  A waterproof camera, ideally one that automatically erases images of 47-year-old women who have the gumption – or poor judgment -- to wear bathing suits
•  Photoshop for Mac, in the event the camera malfunctions, failing to delete images of 47-year-old women in bathing suits
•  Champagne, multiple bottles for christening and consuming
•  Laser hair removal. (Legs are mandatory. Underarms, optional.)
•  A pop-up grill, portable potty and on-deck icemaker.

OK. Just kidding about that last bit. The grill, that is, not the laser hair removal, because there is nothing like the stark light of day, reflected off the shimmering surface of Lake Wylie, to illuminate every spikey follicle of stubble that emerged as the boat was being “splashed.” “Splashed” is boat-speak for “put into the water.” Turns out there's a lot more to being boat-fluent than "starboard" and "port."

Cougar Bait, who actually knows how to drive a boat, has come to our rescue with skis, a tow line and dry box.  But there's no end to the amount of money you can spend on a boat.  Just ask the folks at West Marine.  There is, however, one thing money can't buy -- a name.

Yep, our boat still needs a name.

Apparently, it’s bad luck to have a nameless boat. So here are a few of the ones we’re floating around. (Ha! “Floating"! Not quite boat-speak, but still.)

• Wiles Thing
• Worth Wiles
• Cheri’s Jubilee
• Always Write
• Scratch Pad
• Feminine Wiles
• What's For Dinner?
• Cougar Bait

• The Boat

Honest. It was easier to name Son and Darling Daughter than this 20-and-a-half-foot Sport.

It was also plenty easy to come up with this Tuna & Cannellini Bean Salad, which I'll be taking out on The Boat this week. Whatever her name is.

Tuna & Cannellini Bean Salad

1 can good quality tuna, packed in olive oil, undrained
1 can cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
1/2 cup chopped red onion
1 handful of parsley, chopped
2 tablespoons capers, drained
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1-2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 teaspoon coarse ground pepper
4-5 cups romaine lettuce, coarsely chopped

Stir together all ingredients except lettuce. Season to taste with kosher salt. (May not need, depending on the saltiness of the tuna.) Chill well. Toss with lettuce and serve.
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