Feminine Wiles: The Top 10 “Overheard In My House” 2009. In Other Words, Can You Not Hear Yourself Speaking?

I love this time of year – not just because of all the holiday gatherings and new movie releases and celebratory drinks (Bacon Bloody Mary, anyone?), but also because we’re finally, finally, finally reaching the conclusion of those irritating Snuggie commercials, featuring -- inexplicably -- full-grown adults oblivious to the fact that they are wearing unusually-flammable bed coverings in lieu of clothing to sporting events.

Thank the advertising geniuses that be, those mawkish Lexus “December Holiday Event” ads are also winding down. Which means I no longer have to ask, every time one airs (which feels like every six and half minutes), “Cheese and rice. Did she really have no idea she was getting a car? And where did he get that big-ass bow? At the big-ass Wal-Mart?” (Sorry, Mom. I know how you feel about that kind of talk.)

Actually, what I love most about this week between Christmas and New Year’s Day is the cornucopia of lists proclaimed and broadcasted in every media outlet: The 50 Best Movies of 2009, Most Popular Baby Names for 2009 (Jayden? Really?), YouTube Top 2009 Videos (including the JK Wedding Video I adored) Noteworthy People Who Died In 2009, and the Top Ten Cryptozoology Stories of 2009. (Honest folks, you can’t just make this stuff up. Or, considering the cryptozoology example, maybe you can.)

I guess I’m so enamored of these 365-days-summarized-in-bullet-points, because I’m an unrepentant listmaker myself. My own year-end wrap-up comes straight from posts I’ve made this year on Facebook. So here now, the Top 10 “Overheard In My House*” quotes from 2009.

*Note: These are actual quotes, but to protect both the innocent and the guilty, I’m not naming names. Although yes, you could probably guess.

Overheard In My House -- 2009

My child, “I didn’t know what you meant.” Me, “When I said, ‘Get the wet towels off the floor,’ you didn’t know what I meant?”
From a child trying out for a sports team: "I don't want to practice. Practicing doesn't make any difference at all. Everyone knows that." Me: [Silent. But only because rolling eyes don’t make any noise, and with enough practice -- which I have -- neither do grinding teeth.]
From a teenager, “You know, I might want to go to the University of South Carolina. It looks like you don’t have to know what you want to do there, but you still get to have a lot of fun."
Me, "No. That would be three sleepovers in a row. Come Sunday, you would be so awful that I would do something awful and that means I'd get arrested." My child, " Just let me do it, Mom. I can break you out of jail."
Four weeks before Christmas, spoken by a child who should know better, "I know it's $500, Mom, but it's better for you, because then you’d only have to get me one gift."
From a child, hoping to go to a friend’s house, "I DO SO understand. I've got to do my homework, take a shower, pick up my room and eat dinner first. So do you think I can go over there in about five minutes?"
Me, “You’re hungry? How about a bowl of cereal, or some scrambled eggs, or a quesadilla, or a peanut butter sandwich, or some nachos, or a bowl of soup, or some buttered pasta?” My child, sighing, “No. There’s nothing to eat in this house.”
Son, "Mom, where's the rug?" Me, "You mean the 6 x 8 rug that was at the top of the stairs, which I rolled up and removed FIVE days ago for cleaning?" Son, "Yeah. That one. Where is it?"
My child, “I don't have any homework today. Unless you count those vocab words. And reading. And that presentation that's due tomorrow. And there's a math test, too. But, you know, you can't really study for math. So, nothing, really.”
And the prizewinning quote (drumroll, please), overheard in my house, 2009, spoken by a teenager, “When you write down what I say, I sound stupid.”

Ahem. Nuff said. I may, however, need a little something sweet for my kiddoes after posting this blog. Fortunately, everyone here loves fresh fruit. This unusual and simple salad should do the trick.

Minted Grapefruit, Cherry and Strawberry Salad

Two red grapefruits, peeled and sectioned

2 cups fresh cherries, pitted

2 cups strawberries, halved or quartered

Dressing

3 tablespoons orange juice (or Triple Sec)

3 tablespoons honey

3 sprigs mint

Combine dressing ingredients in a small bowl and let macerate for at least 30 minutes. In a large bowl, gently combine fruit. Pour dressing over, straining out the mint. Serve chilled.